“I believe there is light at the end of the tunnel.” Portsmouth Daily Times crack cover-up reporter Frank Lewis (July 10, 2009.)
1. The light at the end of the tunnel that Daily Times crack cover-up reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the glowing joint of our oft off-to-the-races mayor who wants his biking buddies to call him “The Fonz” but who persist for some reason in calling him “Potsie.”
2. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the one working headlight of the sub-sub compact car rented from Enterprise by city councilman Mike Mearan in which his drug-addicted and purse-snatching secretary Heather Hren is transporting oxycontin from Columbus to Portsmouth.
3. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the green light that city government gives to every crook who has an unmarketable old house, leaking department store, or piece of worthless toxic property in Portsmouth that he wants to unload on the public and be excused from paying any taxes on or otherwise have any responsibility for.
4. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the phosphorescent glow of the toxic mold in the leaky Adelphia building, which Mike Mearan managed to unload on the city of Portsmouth to get his client, the absentee landlord Dr. Singer, a tax break from the IRS and a pardon from the city for the delinquent taxes he owed.
5. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be our mayor returning on his motorcycle late at night from South Carolina where he was the runner up in a two-man race for members of the American Association of Retired People with Alzheimer’s but the results of which were invalidated when it was learned that neither the mayor or the first place finisher, Governor Sanford, has Alzheimer’s or is retired but only act as if they were.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the headlight of Neal Hatcher’s souped-up motor scooter on which he is performing, in the dark, without his helmet, the daredevil feat of simultaneously screwing the public while giving them the finger.
7. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the glow of the politically radioactive Marting’s Building that has led, directly or indirectly, to the departure of council members Ann Sydnor, “Sassy Lassie” Caudill, Marty “It ain’t worth nothing” Mohr, “Turncoat” Tim Loper, Howard “La-Z-Boy” Baughman, and former mayor Greg “Graphic Sex” Bauer and our current terminal mayor, Jim Kalb, who it seems likely will qualify for a full-fledged membership in AARP in six months.
8. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the light from the back room of the $325,00 Mrs. Renison Shop where in the still of night one of the most toxic items in the diet of our increasingly obese and sclerotic nation are being prepared for the consumption of Portsmouth’s dwindling but expanding hardcore donut abusers.
9. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the light in the office of the publisher of the Daily Times who has decided in the same still of the night that Lewis, like reporters Mike Deaterla and Jeff Barron, and managing editor Art Kuhn before him, has outlived his usefulness and that the incredibly shrinking no-Monday edition newspaper can no longer afford to pay him his pitiful pittance of a salary, which is not much better that what Portsmouth’s prostitutes are paid, and he therefore must be terminated.
10. The light at the end of the tunnel that crack cover-up Daily Times reporter Frank Lewis believes he sees could be the dawn of a new day that will see the departure of crack cover-up reporters like Lewis, verbal diarrhetic schlock-jocks like Steve Hayes, harassing sidewalk and building inspectors like Larry Justice, enabling city solicitors like David Kuhn and Mike Jones, city treasurers like Trent “Cook-the-Books” Williams, internet-nutty police chiefs like Charles Horner, appalling appointees to city council, like the aforesaid Mike Mearan, and lapdog politicians like Jim Kalb, whom Mike Jones left holding the Aldi’s bag.
One of the possible lights (#7) at the end of tunnel: the politically radioactive Marting building.
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