Frank Lewis, a Portsmouth Daily Times reporter and a minister of the Gospel, on Saturday, October 10, 2009, offered “Reasons Why You Should Buy the Newspaper.” What follows are 10 Reasons Why You Should NOT Buy “the newspaper.”
1. You should not buy the Portsmouth Daily Times because it has steadily shrunk in size and diminished in quality while steadily increasing in price.
2. You should not buy the PDT because it stands in way of progress, truth, and honest government.
3. You should not buy the PDT because then it will go out of business and stop serving the interests of the Southern Ohio Growth Partnership.
4. You should not buy the PDT because it fires reporters who make the mistake of reporting news that is embarrassing to the SOGP, such as when it fired Jeff Barron for reporting that a man arrested for drug dealing was an employee of an influential member of the SOGP.
5. You should not buy the PDT because at the height of the Marting scandal the SOGP reportedly threatened the PDT with a loss in advertising if it dared to do investigative reports on Marting’s.
6. You should not buy the PDT because when it is faced with the decision of serving its readers or kowtowing to the SOGP, it kowtows to the SOGP.
7. You should not buy the PDT because it tries to operate without a managing editor, without grammatical reporters, and without journalistic integrity.
8. You should not buy the PDT because it allows Frank Lewis to attribute to Abraham Lincoln wingnut fabrications that the sixteenth president would never have said in a million years.
9. You should not buy the PDT because then we will not have Lewis, instead of reporting news, writing editorials about why we should buy the PDT.
10. You should not buy the PDT because then Lewis will be free to find another job where he does not have to jeopardize his chances of going to heaven by continuing in the employ of Beelzebub.
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