Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Improper Nouns

Dummy on the City Council

Aeh, JoAnn

Aeh began her political career campaigning for the recall of three honest councilmen back in 1980, and as long-time city clerk she has been obstructing justice and the recall of anybody ever since. She reportedly advised ex-felon Michael Malone (see below) he could run for and hold public office, and she may have been, along with her husband, a member of Ku Klux Klan.

Adelphia Building:

Originally the home of an American Motor Corporation dealer until AMC went out of business. The building was next the rented home of Adelphia Communications until the president and founder of Adelphia was convicted of massive fraud and imprisoned. After Adelphia went bankrupt and reorganized, it moved its Portsmouth office away from the sacred Downtown (see below) to the wrong side of the tracks of the 15th Street Viaduct area (see below). The Marting Foundation (see below) has dictated that the Adelphia Building should be the home of the Portsmouth Police Dept.

Bauer, Gregory:

Mayor of Portsmouth (1998-2004). A failed Portsmouth businessman who began a second career as a Political Prostitute (see below) serving the interests of the over-privileged (see below), Bauer, along with councilwomen Carol Caudill and Ann Sydnor, was recalled from office in June 2004 as a result of the Marting scandal.

Bauer Graphics:

A now defunct business on lower Chillicothe St., in the heart of Portsmouth's dead Downtown (see below), it is owned by former mayor Greg Bauer (see above), who lived high in the loft above Bauer Graphics, behind whose unwashed windows were unwatered potted ferns and an Easter Island-like carved head. When he was recalled in June 2004, Bauer told a reporter Bauer Graphics would reopen, but it has not yet.

Baughman, Howard:

The smarmy president of the Portsmouth City Council and relative of Clayton Johnson, Portsmouth’s Boss Tweedy (see below). Employed at Covert Funiture, Baughman is the chief advocate on the City Council for reviving Portsmouth’s dead Downtown district by moving city employees into a decrepit department store.

Bender, Stanley:

A Portsmouth attorney who is representing the Marting Foundation in its attempt to dictate what the city will do with the money it obtained illegally from the city before it will return any part of that money to the city. Bender is also the lawyer who is attempting to legally deprive one of his own clients, the mother of a child who was raped at the MRDD, of her right to decide what is best for that child.

Boss Tweedy:

One of the nicknames of local lawyer and Portsmouth’s leading deal-maker Clayton Johnson, head of the Marting Foundation.


Any Portsmouth structure made of wood, brick, or cinderblock that Portsmouth’s over-privileged males feel should be torn down as quickly as possible to the profit of everybody except the owner of the building if he happens to be an African-American.

Caudill, Carol:

The former Ward 3 representative on the Portsmouth City Council who went by the handle “Sassy Lassie” on the Internet, where she advertized herself as a politically conservative 63-year-old divorced "Woman seeking a Man" between the ages of 53-73 and who was at least 5'9" in height, but who could be either married or unmarried. Caudill was recalled from office in 2004 for her role in the Marting scandal and reportedly supported ex-felon Michael Malone as her replacement on the City Council.


What Mayor Bauer and Ward 3 councilwoman Caudill predicted would follow their recall from office.

Downtown Portsmouth:

Pictured above are empty storefronts and an empty Chillicothe St. at 4 PM on a sunny October Tuesday afternoon. The dead Downtown area of Portsmouth is sacred to Portsmouth’s over-privileged because that is where they used to do their Christmas and Easter shopping. The over-privileged and the Political Prostitutes (see below) in the Municipal Building (see below) think no sacrifice is too great and no scam too outrageous to perpetrate on behalf of the Downtown area. The holiest site Downtown is not the Municipal building, the seat of the city government, but the Marting building (see below), the cynosure of shopping and consumerism.

Fifteenth-Street Viaduct:

Also known informally as Shady Plaza, the Fifteenth-Street Viaduct area is the site of one of the scams of the Bauer era. After the Daily Times helped circulate the rumor that it would cost a fortune to clean up toxic contamination on the viaduct site, no one was willing to buy it. According to acting Mayor Kalb, the city could not give it away. Then the property was miraculously decontaminated and the city sold the property for a song to a local developer, who made a bundle by dividing it up and selling lots to others who built movie theaters and eateries on the once supposedly toxic site.

John St.2027
Hatchered House:

Through the threat and occasional use of eminent domain, or “imminent doom”(see below), hatchering is the systematic running down and neglect of property (such as the John St. house above) and the eventual bulldozing of neighborhoods by local developer Neal Hatcher. The most recent example of hatchering is the eminent domaining of the property of Joe Perry, the enterprising young African-American businessman whose rental properties in Hatcherville (see below) will soon bite the dust.

campusview pic

A name given by former residents to the 3rd St. area that Neal Hatcher acquired by threats of eminent domain and then bulldozed to build Campus View student dormitories in a sweetheart deal with Shawnee State University in which the university takes most of the risks and Hatcher most of the profits.

Imminent Doom:

"Imminent doom" is the Hatcher variety of “eminent domain.”

John Street:

The bulldozed bombed-out looking Portsmouth neighborhood that is within streetwalking distance of the Municipal building. John Street is where the sexual, as distinct from the political, prostitutes of Portsmouth practice the world’s oldest profession. John Street is the proposed site of a Neal Hatcher shopping center to be called “Hooker Haven.”

Loper, Tim

Dummies used to fill the display windows of Marting’s Department Store. That's what Ward 1 councilman Tim Loper said he had been, a dummy, for supporting the purchase of the Marting building. He had been elected last year because of his stand against the purchase of the Marting building, but then somebody had persuaded him to support the purchase, someone who had played him for a dummy. Loper, whose home was recently sold at a sheriff’s auction and who is rumored to be living outside of Ward 1, has flip-flopped and is again backing the purchase of the Marting building. He is again being played for a dummy.

Marting Building

A one-hundred-year-old leaking decrepit department store that the Political Prostitutes in the Municipal Building have declared the holiest shrine in Portsmouth’s dead “Downtown” district (see entry above). The Marting building is covered by a phony 1950-ish façade, or what architects call a “slip cover,” which is what clever property owners use to hide the run-down condition of an old building.

Marting display window:

In keeping with Marting’s status as a temple of commerce in Portsmouth’s sacred but dead Downtown shopping area, the display windows at Marting’s no longer feature dummies but flags, religious symbols, Hospice, Missing Children, MIA/POW, Ohio Daughters of the Revolution, and every other worthy cause that the Marting Foundation can sanctify the building with. The window displays, along with the phony façade, are an attempt to disguise the fact that the building is an unholy mess and "ain't worth anything," to quote Marty Mohr (see below), and should have been torn down years ago.

Marting Foundation:

A front group whose original mission was to unload the otherwise worthless downtown building off on the public for $2 million. The Foundation’s revised mission is to return to the city part of the $2 milliion that the courts have ruled it obtained illegally from the city. The Marting Foundation has agreed to return part of the original loot, but only if the city uses the building for a public purpose, such as a municipal building, which will enable the Foundation to obtain a tax write-off.

Malone, Michael:

Brother of “praying” Councilman David A. Malone, Michael A. Malone spent terms in jail and prison for passing bad checks, theft, forgery, DUI, and possessing drug paraphernalia before realizing he was in the wrong racket and decided to get into politics.

Mohr, Marty:

Noise pollution enthusiast and councilmaniac of Ward Six, Mohr avoided being recalled last year by denouncing the purchase of the Marting building, which he told a Columbus Dispatch reporter “ain’t worth anything.” This year Mohr became the biggest supporter of the Marting purchase, prompting the slogan of the current campaign to recall him: “Mohr is Less."

Municipal Building:

A Portsmouth house of ill-repute that has been deliberately and systematically allowed to slide into disrepair and where for several generations Political Prostitutes have practiced the world’s second oldest profession: screwing the public. To obliterate the scene of their crimes and accommodate a developer who reportedly has designs on the site, the Political Prostitutes are campaigning feverishly to hatcher the building.

Portsmouth, City of Prosperity:

The slogan and bumper sticker promoted by "praying councilman" David Malone (that's his car above) and his ex-felon brother Michael (see above), the phrase "City of Prosperity" was coined by a minister of the Deeper Life movement who preached at a 2004 tent revival sponsored by David Malone’s church. The Deeper Life minister prophesied Portsmouth would undergo a divinely inspired economic recovery. The Deeper Life movement was exposed by the Tampa Times in 2003 as a scam for raising money and keeping members in line by forbidding them to criticize their leaders.

city_council picture
Political Prostitutes:

In addition to being known for its sexual prostitutes, Portsmouth is also home to Political Prostitutes who do the bidding of the over-privileged of Portsmouth. The Political Prostitutes can be found publicly suffering like martyrs in the Municipal building when they are not privately performing their dirty tricks.


What author Jesse Stuart thought Portsmouth was turning into, as is evident in his novel about Portsmouth and porkbarreling, The Land Beyond the River.

Portsmouth Daily Times:

The incredibly shrinking local daily newspaper that has been screwing the public and covering up for the over-privileged of Portsmouth since 1852.

Running Sores

Beggars in the Middle East, seeking sympathy and handouts from tourists, used to expose their lesions to tourists. Portsmouth city officials flaunt festering leaks in the Municipal Building, such as the one in the corner ceiling of the council chamber, which they deliberately allow to get worse so that they can gain sympathy from taxpayers before they bulldoze the building and turn the land over to a developer.

Singer, Dr. Herbert:

The absentee landlord of the now empty so-called Adelphia building, in Portsmouth. Singer, who lives in Los Angeles, was delinquent in paying taxes on the Adelphia building, but he generously agreed to give it to the city if the city will forgive him his taxes and use the building for some public purpose, such as a police station, so that he can get a tax write-off.


The acronym of the Society for Obtaining Government Pork. Known locally as “Soggy Pee,” the SOGP is the agency that launders public funds and distributes abatements for the over-privileged of Portsmouth.

Tax Write-off:

What you settle for when your downtown building is worthless commercially but which you can still collect something on but only if the building can be converted at great public expense to some public use, such as a municipal building, a police station, a welcome center, or a comfort station.

travel world photo2
Travel World Agency:

A fly-by-night travel agency formed by three of Portsmouth’s over-privileged, one of whom was in dentistry, another in furniture, and a third, in crushed rock. World became a favorite travel agency at Shawnee State., where the rock man was chair of the Board of Trustees and the furniture man’s wife was Director of Development. When World Travel crashed after 9/11, Clayton Johnson engineered a deal whereby the agency got a tax-write off by donating its dubious assets to a public entity, the Ohio University branch in Ironton.