Portsmouth, Ohio: Best and Worst

It’s the best of cities,
It’s the worst of cities;

It’s the city of upright people,

The city of the toppled steeple;

It’s the city of the crucifix,

The city of the cocaine fix;

It’s the city of churches and chimes,

The city of the rotten Times;

It’s the city of chronic crisis,
The city of river vices;

It’s the city of piety,

The city of notoriety;

It’s the city of squeaky clean,

The city of blatantly obscene;

It’s the city of the punctual,
The city of the dysfunctional;

It’s the city of the midnight oil,
The city of the wacky Doyle;

It’s the city of concerned citizens,

The city of crooked politicians;

It’s the city of crusading bloggers,

The city of pettifoggers;

It is the city of Christers,
The city of shysters;

It’s the city of floodwalls,
The city of pitfalls;

It’s the city of antique shops,
The city of chop shops;

It’s the city of old coots,
The city of young prostitutes;

It’s the city of work,
The city of shirk;

It’s the city of on-the-go,
The city of who-you-know;

It’s the city of the first brewery,
The city of  Mountain Dewery;

It’s the city of blue skies,
The city of meth highs;

It’s the city of hospitals,
The city of pill mills;

It’s the city of aspirin,
The city of Oxycontin;

It’s the city of hope,
The city of dope;

It’s the city of new schools,
The city of old fools;

It’s the city of pork-rind heiresses,
The city of Temponerases;

It’s the city of every kid passes,
The city of remedial classes;

It’s the city of the evangelical,
The city of the ungrammatical;

It’s the city of right principles,
The city of wrong past participles;

It’s the city of drawers and hewers,
The city of backed-up sewers;

It’s the city of live wires,
The city of suspicious fires;

It’s the city of the opera singer,
The city of the slumlord Singer;

It’s the city of black and Jew,
The city of Klan residue;

It’s the city of Scottie’s potties,
The city of Mearan’s hotties;

It’s the city of the father’s dereliction,

The city of son’s addiction;

It’s the city of drug-dealers on the run,
The city of the chief’s drug-dealing son;

It’s the city of the dedicated teacher,
The city of the adulterous preacher;

It’s the city of okey dokey, 
The city of kin in pokey;

It’s the city of Meals on Wheels,
The city of drug deals;

It’s the city of whites and blacks,
The city of mansions and shacks;

It’s the city of Good Will,
The city of ill will;

It’s the city of cooked books,
The city of unbooked crooks;

It’s the city of in the tank,
The city of American Savings Bank;

It’s the city of tightening the belt a notch,
The city of the state imposed Fiscal Watch;

It’s the city of solvency,
The city of bankruptcy.

                              II

It’s the city of the river breeze,

The city of radioactive retirees;

It’s the city of the beauty queen,
The city of the pregnant teen;

It’s the city on the dole,

The city of the doughnut hole;

It’s the city of Crispie Creams,

The city of Jones’ schemes;

It’s the city of poverty,
The city of obesity;

It’s the city of exercise classes,
The city of fat asses;

It’s the city of Waller and Massie,
The city of sassy lassie;

It’s the city of the Welcome Center to greet you,
The city of estate planners to cheat you;

It’s the city of real bingo halls,
The city of imaginary malls;

It’s the city of Clayton’s tools,
The city of Mearan’s mules;

It’s the city of Kalb gone to pot,
The city of Bihl, who got caught;

It’s the city of Hospice,
The city of injustice;

It’s the city of Pampered Pets,
The city of unlicensed vets;

It’s the city of the opportune knock,
The city of the pilfered rock;

It’s the city of the proud American,
The city of the Ku Klux Klan;

It’s the city of restaurants starting,
The city of prohibited farting;

It’s the city of the appraisal sham,
The city of the Marting scam;

It’s the city of Kalb on his three-wheeler,
The city of the wheeler-dealer;

It’s the city of preacher and parson,
The city of incest and arson;

It’s the city of priest and minister,
The city of lawyers who’re sinister;

It’s the city of winks and nudges,
The city of inebriated judges;

It’s the city of praying for prosperity,
The city of the chronic austerity;

It’s the city of food stamps,

The city of hungry tramps;

It’s the city of honorable pursuits,
The city of crooks in suits;

It’s the city of flood wall murals,
The city of pork-lined urinals;

It’s the city of Southern hospitality,
The city of redneck hostility;

It’s the city of he who has, gets,
The city of he who hasn’t, bets;

It’s the city of bingo and lottery;
The city of gambling and besottery;

It’s the city of crying need,

The city of undying greed;

It’s the city of speaking in tongues,
The city of smokers’ lungs;

It's the city of scarlet tanagers,
The city of fly-by-night city managers;

It’s the city of bikers collecting for toys,
The city of bikers making too much  noise;

It’s the city of victory torches,
The city of sagging porches;

It’s the city of dreams,
The city of schemes;

It’s the city of fame,
The city of  shame; 

It's the city of two-faced Sallie S,
It's the city of sanctimoniousness;

It's the city of the Counseling Center,
The city of naysayer and assenter;

The city of unctuous and pious ooze,
The city of the Samaritan Ed Hughes;

It’s the city of do-and-dare,
The city of I don’t care;

It’s the city of  integrity, 
The city of S.O.G.P.;

It’s the city of enough is enough, 
Its the city of the fall-guy Huff;

It’s the city of the Master Plan,
The city of the can-can man; 

It’s the city of shoes and shoelaces,
The city of heels in high places;

It’s the city of vegetarian fruits,
The city of councilmen in cahoots;

It’s the city of the Golden Rule,
The city of hobbling Home Rule;

It’s the city of the mythic mall,

The city of the bingo hall;

It’s the city of churches and chimes,
The city of the lying Times;

It’s the city of the champion of freedom,
The city of Austin Leedom;

It's the city of the doughty Daub,
The city of the redneck Kalb;

It’s the city of no respect,
The city of Jeff Albrecht;

It’s the city of the blessed and cursed,

It’s the city of the best and worst.

                                                                         Robert Forrey, 2010-2014