Late night infrared photo of a bipedal fiendishly grinning half-human/half-roach La Cucaracha, who is stalking the Crispie Creme Donut Shop.
An online report (click here) in
the Daily Times (24-4-12) suggests that City Solicitor Mike Jones has been getting
away with health violations at his Crispie Creme Donut Shop on the corner of
Gallia and Waller Streets in Portsmouth. It looks like Jones
has been shown favoritism by the Portsmouth City Health Department. He claims
the only issue with his donut shop is infrastructure problems, like the
ceiling. Do I understand right? A ceiling falling on you is not a health risk? A dirty floor is not a health risk? But
the report in the PDT makes clear infrastructure is not the only problem. The PDT says infestation
by “insects” has been persistent. Is insect a euphemism for something? What are we talking about? Ants, or praying mantises, or what? I
doubt it’s ants. A study done at San Jose State College in 1992 determined that
ants know better than to eat in donut shops—they know it’s bad for their
health. When’s the last time you saw an obese ant? Ants apparently have a much higher
DIQ (Donut Intelligence Quotient) than roaches, who get addicted at
the drop of a jelly donut. Roaches are apparently “unmentionables” at the Health Department, and even the PDT story didn’t break the taboo by mentioning them.
And we know how desperate donut-addicted roaches are. In 1939, in Squareton, Indiana, a donut shop owner Walter Jones (no
relation to Mike) was reportedly tied up and tortured by swarming roaches who had become infuriated when Jones
placed Roach Motels (roach traps) throughout his donut shop. How they tortured him is too
gruesome to detail but it involves all those feelers. As hard as that story is to believe, how about the rumor
that, because conditions are so terribly unhealthy at Crispie Creme, a roach mutated into a huge donut gorging half-roach/half-human creature, La Cucaracha, that stalks unaccompanied overweight females who buy donuts late
at night to bring back to the dorms in Hatcherville. If ants know what’s good for them, shouldn’t Shawnee State
students, especially liberal arts majors?
Is City Solicitor Jones getting away with health violations?
And what has
Jones done about cleaning up his shop? Very little judging by the story in the
PDT. He is apparently no better as a donut dealer than he is as city solicitor.
He gives the phrase out to lunch new
meaning.
You can help fight Portsmouth’s
obesity epidemic and roach infestation by not patronizing Crispie Creme,
especially if you are an overweight female with a late night yen for donuts.
