Wednesday, April 25, 2012

La Cucaracha

Late night infrared photo of a bipedal fiendishly grinning half-human/half-roach La Cucaracha, who is stalking the Crispie Creme Donut Shop.

An online report (click here) in the Daily Times (24-4-12) suggests  that City Solicitor Mike Jones has been getting away with health violations at his Crispie Creme Donut Shop on the corner of Gallia and Waller Streets in Portsmouth. It looks like  Jones has been shown favoritism by the Portsmouth City Health Department. He claims the only issue with his donut shop is infrastructure problems, like the ceiling. Do I understand right? A ceiling falling on you is not a health risk? A dirty floor is not a health risk? But the report in the PDT makes clear infrastructure is not the only problem. The PDT says infestation by “insects” has been persistent. Is insect a euphemism for something?  What are we talking about? Ants, or praying mantises, or what? I doubt it’s ants. A study done at San Jose State College in 1992 determined that ants know better than to eat in donut shops—they know it’s bad for their health. When’s the last time you saw an obese ant? Ants apparently have a much higher DIQ (Donut Intelligence Quotient) than roaches, who get addicted at the drop of a jelly donut. Roaches are apparently unmentionables at the Health Department, and even the PDT story didnt break the taboo by mentioning them.

And we know how desperate donut-addicted roaches  are. In 1939, in Squareton, Indiana, a donut shop owner Walter Jones (no relation to Mike) was reportedly tied up and tortured  by swarming  roaches who had become infuriated when Jones placed Roach Motels (roach traps) throughout his  donut shop. How they tortured him is too gruesome to detail but it involves all those feelers. As hard as that story is to believe, how about the rumor that, because conditions are  so terribly unhealthy at Crispie Creme, a roach mutated  into a huge donut gorging half-roach/half-human creature, La Cucaracha,  that stalks unaccompanied overweight females who buy donuts late at night to bring back to the dorms in Hatcherville. If ants know  what’s good for them, shouldn’t Shawnee State students, especially liberal arts majors?

Is City Solicitor Jones getting away with health violations?
And what has Jones done about cleaning up his shop? Very little judging by the story in the PDT. He is apparently no better as a donut dealer than he is as city solicitor. He gives the phrase out to lunch  new meaning.

You can help fight Portsmouth’s obesity epidemic and roach infestation by not patronizing Crispie Creme, especially if you are an overweight female with a late night yen for donuts.

 Remember the motto of Crispie Creme: Keep your eye upon the donut and not upon the roaches.

For an earlier posting on Crispie Creme, click here.