Here Comes the Judge!

ROACHES OVERWHELMINGLY FOR JONES

                               1

Listen voters and you shall hear

Of candidate Jones’ incompetent career,

Getting less done from nine to five

Than any man now alive

On any day, in any year,

In one and out the other ear.

As Portsmouth city solicitor,

His performance was so poor

In the office and the courtroom,

He didn’t know his who from his whom.

In fact, he was so ill-suited for the job  

That he prosecuted Harald Daub

For allegedly shoplifting a shopping bag

From Aldi’s—Yes,  a shopping bag!—

But the jury unanimously acquitted

Daub, Jones having proved himself half-witted

And guilty of gross incompetence,

Revealing himself as very dense

By showing an Aldi videotape

Over and over again as if a rape

Was being committed, as if Daub

Was attempting to brazenly rob

Or commit a felonious assault

While doing a double summersault. 

But he was doing nothing of the sort,

As the jurors could see clearly in court,  

As shown by the security camera,

Which was very different from Jones’ chimera.

Having been found unanimously not guilty. 

Daub deserved an apology, not a penalty, 

For Jones had shown himself to be not Perry Mason

But Inspector Clouseau, avec très peu de raison,

Bumbling ahead without a clue,

Worthy of inclusion in The Fool’s Who’s Who.

                                       2

A fool in court, without any ands, ifs, or buts,

Jones was a royal dunce when it came  to donuts.

His name will forever be Crispie Cremed

With the  roaches with which his donut shop teemed—

Roaches in display cases, on the counter,

More roaches than you would ever encounter

In roach motels or in greasy diners

Or in all the pantries in the Carolinas—

Roaches on the ceiling, roaches on the floor,

Roaches lining up impatiently at the door,

Roaches with reservations, roaches without,

Roaches without pull, roaches with clout,

All waiting to fulfill their crummy dream,

Of carte blanche at Jones’ Crispie Creme

Where appalling, unsanitary conditions

Led the neighbors to circulate petitions.

For the roaches, Crispie Creme was all the rage, 

But customers avoided it like the plague.

Now, if those roaches were allowed to vote

That would sure be all she wrote,

For Jones would be judge in a landslide,

With swarms of insects by his side 

Because roaches don’t know from incompetent.

To the  roaches Mike Jones was heaven-sent,

Which is why they’ll shout, “Here comes the Judge!”

And from him they will never budge, 

And in Portsmouth the future tense

Will be drugs, drugs, drugs and the usual nonsense—

Counseling Centers, half-way houses,

And judgeships filled with incompetent louses.

                                Robert Forrey, 2014


The kind of shopping bag Daub was falsely
accused of shoplifting from Aldi's

      Other relevant posts from River Vices

Donuts, Obesity, and Diabetes (click here)
La Cucaracha (click here)
From Dollars to Donuts (click here)
The Trial of Harald Daub (click here)


http://rivervices.blogspot.com/2014/06/donuts-obesity-and-diabetes.html
http://rivervices.blogspot.com/2012/04/la-cucaracha.html
http://rivervices.blogspot.com/2009/03/from-dollars-to-donuts.html
http://rivervices.blogspot.com/2009/03/trial-of-harold-daub.html

Donuts, Obesity, and Diabetes

"The only healthy part of a donut is the hole." 

"To underscore the nutritionally immoral tinge of the donut run, 

there  was a donut eating contest scheduled after the race."

"The large majority of those who participated in the Salvation Army Donut Run 

in Portsmouth this year did not run, they walked."

One of the depressing things about living in Portsmouth, Ohio, is the large number of people who are, unfortunately, both for themselves  and for the community they live in,  a financial and social burden. Portsmouth is located in a tri-state area (southern Ohio, Kentucky, and West Virginia) that ranks statistically as among the fattest regions in the country. A nutritionally poor diet and sedentary life style has a lot to do with the preponderance of overweight people in Portsmouth. Encouraging people to be more physically active is one of the ways to counter the epidemic of obesity and the diabetes that often accompanies it,  which are turning alarming numbers of  Americans into big basket cases. The baskets in this case are the medical and social services provided by public and private agencies that help the obese to cope.

As part of the program to encourage people to be more active, to run or at least walk more, several mini-marathons are held in Portsmouth each year. One of those mini-marathons, was held recently, on Saturday, June 14. Sponsored by the Salvation Army, and a little over three miles in length, the Donut Run coincides with National Donut Day, which  commemorates the Salvation Army workers who provided soldiers donuts during the First World War. They also serve who only serve donuts! But the  only healthy part of a donut is the hole. National Donut Day was a way for the Salvation Army to call attention to the good work that that religious organization did not only for soldiers during wartime but for the destitute and homeless during peacetime. National  Donut Day was good public relations for the Salvation Army. It has also become not only good public relations but good business for donut makers, such as Duncan Donuts, Krispy Kreme, etc.  But because unhealthy food such as donuts incontrovertibly contribute to obesity, donut makers are on the defensive. In associating donuts with mini-marathons and exercise,  as well as  with a religious group such as the  Salvation Army, donut runs  run circles around nutritionists. To underscore the nutritionally immoral tinge of the donut run, there  was a donut eating contest scheduled after the run.

The large majority of those who participated in the Salvation Army Donut Run in Portsmouth this year did not run, they walked. Most looked like they were not in shape to run one mile, never mind three. While nobody who walked looked obese, a good number looked overweight, which is to say they looked like most Americans. They looked like they were for exercise more in principle than practice, which is to say the  Salvation Army Donut Run may have served to salve some consciences. The young man who won the race looked in great shape, but he and about a dozen others, including a few young women, may have,  without realizing it,  served as shills for this somewhat carny con game for the Salvation Army and the donut industry. Those who conducted the Donut Run for the Salvation Army appeared to be at least  bordering on  obese and therefore a poor advertisement for either running or religion, but a better one for the Salivating Army.

"Those who conducted the Donut Run for the Salvation Army appeared to be

 at least  bordering  on  obese and therefore a poor advertisement for

 either running or religion, but a better one for the Salivating Army."

Perhaps the presence of the overweight Mike Jones in the Donut Run was the most damning indictment of it. He wasn’t running for his health; he was running for political office. In a shameless exercise in self-promotion, he was wearing a Mike Jones for Whatever T shirt. Jones had already showed himself suspect in  his shady financial purchase of Crispie Creme Donut Shop (click here), but he also showed himself utterly incompetent in the management of that business, which is why he is in politics. If Jones had half the number of customers as he had roaches in Crispie Creme,  he would have been rolling in dough. 

"Perhaps the presence of the overweight Mike Jones,

 in the Donut Run was the most damning  indictment of it."

Thick as Thieves

 Thick as Thieves

The appointment by the Portsmouth City Council of fellow council member John Haas to replace Michael Jones as Portsmouth City Solicitor is a reminder not only that city officials continue thick as thieves as they play the political game of musical chairs, but also that they steadfastly maintain the incomparable tradition of incompetence  for which they are notorious throughout Scioto County.  They perform as public officials as they did as private citizens, which is to say ineptly, especially in the handling of money, their own as well as the public’s. Three members of city government—former-mayor-now-councilman Jim Kalb; former-councilman-now-appointed-mayor David Malone; and former councilman-now-city solicitor Haas—have gone bankrupt. Two other members of city government—councilman Kevin Johnson and former city-solicitor-now-assistant-Domestic Relations-judge Michael Jones, might have gone bankrupt if Michael Gamp, of American Savings Bank, consigliere Clay Johnson’s heir apparent, had not bailed them out financially.

One puzzling aspect of the search for someone to replace Haas as city solicitor was that one of  the candidates who applied for the position, the lawyer Steven C. Rodeheffer, is  apparently a success professionally, having a thriving law practice with a top-notch female partner.  Haas told the PDT that now that he’s solicitor “he plans to scale his private law practice back so he can focus on this new responsibilities.” How do you scale back on virtually nothing? It’s widely rumored  Haas was a flop as an attorney, which is why he was so desperate for the solicitor’s high paying job. Personal failures have the inside track on public jobs.

Rodeheffer, by contrast, has not falsified his residence for purposes of serving on the city council; Rodeheffer has never been a drug dealing pimp; Rodeheffer, in fact, appears to have no criminal connections; he has never declared bankruptcy; he has not been taken into court for nonpayment of child support; he has not had his wife take out a restraining order against him; he has not had his license suspended for speeding and DUI, all of which misdemeanors and felonies, city officials have at one time or other been guilty of. How could a man without a record of incompetence, bankruptcy, recklessness, cronyism, and criminality hope to be appointed to  public office in Portsmouth? What was Rodeheffer thinking? Who put the crazy idea into his head? When Haas filed for bankruptcy, he had the shyster Mike Mearan as his lawyer. Which lawyer did Rodeheffer consult before he applied for the office of solicitor? Doesn’t he know a crooked lawyer who might have set him straight about the qualifications needed to qualify for appointment to public office in Portsmouth? The fact that Rodeheffer, with his clean record and good credentials,  did apply for city solicitor, in and of itself,  shows such poor judgment that Mr. Rodeheffer should be barred from ever trying to be appointed to public office in Portsmouth again. No felonies and certainly no misdemeanors he might be convicted of in the future could possibly make up for the crimes he has not committed in the past. Even if he were to someday fail as miserably and hilariously in court as Mike Jones did in his attempt to convict Harald Daub of shoplifting a shopping bag from Aldi’s, Rodeheffer  will never live down the shame of having the city council choose a deadbeat dad and bankrupt dodo instead of him.

In explaining why he was chosen, Haas told the PDT, “I’ve been dealing with these guys for several years during my time on council. They know me . . .” Yeah, these guys  know Haas and Haas knows these guys. What more is there to say? They’re not just thick, they’re thick as thieves.

“When Haas filed for bankruptcy, he had the shyster Mike Mearan as his lawyer.”